Being Stuck in a Rut is not Fine.
what do you do then?
No, being stuck in a rut is definitely not fine. And I have been stuck in one for the past 2 weeks. It's a nightmare consisting mindless busywork and purposeless suffering. All of which reminds of this poem of mine. And it was ultimately my fault.
After my exams ended in November, I wanted badly to pursue things that I liked: making music, podcast, Linux ricing, finishing up the 2nd stage of ASPR, etc. And I surely did, for a while. But that tanked my overall productivity. I was wandering at random, doing what I pleased, desiring too many things and all at once. And as a consequence, I lost my focus. I had stopped tracking my focus hours, kept working after dinner and just fell into deep state of unproductivity. It was unhealthy, mindless workaholism, filled with self-loathe and guilt.
I was mostly distracted by the thought of ricing my Linux and making it look better but I was still distracted even when I finished what I wanted to do. I couldn't study and spent hours trying to fix something, or working on a new feature of the rice, and so on. The productivity system that I had once built was dying.
After much introspection, I have come to terms that I am not the same "productive and focused Nibir". I am back to square one. I have to start again. That's the beauty and the strangeness of life: you always have to start again.
But I don't think that it is necessarily bad, or that it has taken my identity away. I know I don't have the same dedication and resilience as my old self, but yes, I was once a productivity junkie, and I will always remain a productivity junkie.
James Scholz have been a great inspiration. His philosophy continues to inspire me in the realm of tech usages, minimalism and work ethics. I have recognised the need of Scholzian Resilience in my life and also rituals that stop me from getting carried away. Byung-Chul Han, advocate for building such rituals, says that without them, without something to bind us, we'll be forever carried away like sand on a shore (paraphrased since I forgot the exact words.)
In the past two weeks, I have understood how important it is to maintain such rituals, be more focused and to do it consistently. The consequences are grave. And I also understand why Epictetus said:
"Curb your desire. Don’t set out your heart to so many things, and you will get what you need.”
To fix that, I want to try doing what Robin did: underwork by 30%. I think it will be hard given my workaholism, but I want to improve the quality with which I do things, not quantity.
Despite of all this, I still believe that I am a more focused individual, and this rut is only a reminder that I should be humble and never stop introspection, never stop the rituals and never stop being frosty.
This is my plan for the next weeks, to build resilience and a better routine, which optimises for deep work, health and downtime:
fix my sleep schedule
sleep and wake up early
track focus and energy levels after every deep work session
minimum 1 hour of deep work each day
minimal approach to things and stop giving any fucks.
underworking by 30%
Consider this post a public accountability contract. You are free to nitpick or give feedback at nibir@nibirsan.org.
And in case you missed,
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